Facing the Rain
by Louise Lewin
Summary: "I need to get home to you. Please don't be afraid, baby; I'll find a way, and I know you'll be waiting." In the height of summer, Bella finds herself in complete darkness. Soon she must learn that no matter the season, sometimes there are clouds ... and sometimes you just have to face the rain.
1. Homesick

**This story I have sat on for a while. It is around 30 chaps and almost complete already. Chapters 1-4 are this short, but after that they are all over 1k words. So I'm going to post 1-4 over the next 24 hours, and then every other day, mkay?**

**One thing I will say: I believe in ExB HEA, someway somehow.**

**Thanks to A Jasper For Me for beta'ing and cejsmom for pre-reading.**

**Disclaimer for entire fic: All recognisable characters, settings etc. are the property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement intended.**

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**_..._**

**_'Where thou art, that is home.'_**

**—Emily Dickenson**

**...**

**From: savedbythebella**

**To: doctordoctor_EAMC**

**Subject: Homesick**

_You'd laugh if you could see me now with my duvet over my head so Mum doesn't notice the light of my laptop under the door. It's weird being back in my old bedroom, especially without you—you never want to have sex in this bed, you're always too scared of my dad's shotgun. I think he cottoned on to the fact we were having sex long before Carlie was born, honey!_

_I don't like it here in London; it's too built-up and noisy. Remember when I moved to the US? I moaned so much about everything—the new words, driving on the other side of the road, not being able to drink 'til 21. I hated Washington, the greenery and flora and fauna everywhere. I think I won the title of Miss Teenage Angst 1996 by a mile. And my poor baby, you drew the short straw, of course, having to sit next to the sulking new girl in Biology. I glowered at you and you just smiled. I love your smile. _

_Despite all the trouble I had settling in, I find I now miss the wet and green and quiet of Forks, that almost-constant drizzle that I curse, but secretly love. I think the real reason I love our little town so much is because the mossy green that's everywhere reminds me of your eyes. One look at them and I'm home, wherever we are._

_You'll be proud of me, baby, for dinner tonight on top of my shake, I managed three mouthfuls of soup, a bite and a half of a cheese toasty, and a square of Cadbury's Dairy Milk. I'll make sure I bring some home, I know how much you love it. They're watching me like a hawk lately, but I need to get home to you. Please don't be afraid, baby; I'll find a way, and I know you'll be waiting._

_I miss you and love you,_

_Your Bella_

Just as I clicked send, I heard footsteps coming down the corridor. I snapped the screen down, and my head hit the pillow just in time. The door creaked open an inch, but after a couple of seconds, I heard it click shut again. Knowing he would read my message when he finished his shift, I could finally let sleep take me, silent tears escaping.

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**Review, pretty please?**

**See you in a few hours ...**


	2. Water

**Thank you for your reviews, to A Jasper For Me for beta'ing and Cejsmom for pre-reading. **

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**_..._**

**_'Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.' _**

**― Allen Saunders**

**...**

**From: savedbythebella**

**To: doctordoctor_EAMC**

**Subject: Water**

_The weather's taken a turn for the better—I know, I'm shocked too—so I got to feel the sun on my skin for a little while today. Sometimes, if my leg is playing up, the pills make me woozy in the day, so I didn't stay out long—I didn't want to get burnt. Dad set up a paddling pool he bought specially for Carlie; she loves it, of course. Our little mermaid. She's always been a water-baby—she gets that from you. _

_I remember the first time I really paid attention to you as more than the nice boy that sat next to me in biology. You were on the swim team and Jessica dragged me to watch you race. The moment I saw you in your tight swim shorts, I got these delicious butterflies in my stomach, and they've never gone away in the sixteen years since. When you got out of the pool, water dripping off your hard, swimmer's body, you caught me staring (and probably drooling). I was so embarrassed, but you just winked. I fell in lust that day, baby, and it wouldn't be long before love followed._

_Today's shake was banana … it was sickening. Luckily, Dad snuck me some chocolate afterwards! I hope you're letting Esme cook for you—you can't live off takeout—and I promise to make you that special risotto from scratch when I get back. If you're lucky, I'll make you a batch of my cookies as well; I know you must be missing them. ;)_

_I'm trying hard, but I'm lost without you here. We'll be home as soon as we can._

_I miss you and love you,_

_Your Bella_

I clicked send and closed the window, the desktop background staring at me, illuminated in the darkness. It was from our vacation in Cali last year, his arms wrapped around me and Carlie on Santa Monica beach. I smiled as I remembered the woman who took it. _"You are such a beautiful family,"_ were her words.

I smiled at the picture and the memory; our bond really was palpable in it. Kissing my fingers, I brushed them over his smiling face on the screen. I shut the lid and shifted the computer onto the bedside table, just as the door creaked open.

"Mommy?"

"Come here, Bug," I whispered to our beautiful little girl, her bronze curls tangled from sleep, and Snowy the lamb under her arm.

She scrambled up onto the bed—I helped as much as I could, but it was still difficult—and I stroked her hair, dropping soothing kisses to her forehead as she snuggled into me. She still had that sweet baby scent, and I breathed it in deeply.

I stayed awake long after she drifted off to sleep. I knew Mum and Dad were just trying to help, but I was a thirty-three-year-old woman, a mother and wife. I needed to take my daughter home—she needed her father, and I needed my husband.

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**See ya in a few hours ...**

**Please review :)**


	3. Old Romantic

**Thank you so much for your reviews. And thanks to A Jasper for Me for beta'ing and Cejsmom for pre-reading.**

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**_..._**

**_'Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you I had no control over.'_**

**—Anonymous**

**...**

**From: savedbythebella**

**To: doctordoctor_EAMC**

**Subject: Old Romantic**

_The way you wooed me (stop laughing, I can't think of a better word!) was the sweetest, most romantic thing I'd ever seen—at the time. You always try to better yourself with your grand gestures. Those notes and poems you slipped in my locker made my heart flutter, and I didn't even know who was doing it. They were so beautiful, sweet but funny too, I would find myself hurrying into school every day. I came out of my shell and stopped ranting and raving against the world, against my parents for taking me from my home and friends. _

_A whole month those notes went on, and you sat beside me in Bio and never said a word about it while we talked music and books. I still can't believe I didn't put two and two together, though, I mean your handwriting was right in front of me! You don't know this, but I keep those notes in a box at the back of the closet with ticket stubs, gift tags and ribbons from presents._

_On Valentine's Day, when I turned up and there wasn't a note, my heart sank. But then you came around the corner, a red rose and a note in your hand. You were so nervous asking me out—you weren't to know I'd fallen in love with you already. How could I not? You were perfect—and still are perfect—for me._

_Our date was better than anything I'd imagined. You kept it traditional with dinner, apologising it wasn't anything more special … but it couldn't have been more special to me. Besides, around Forks there is very little to do in February! I actually pinched myself that night, unable to believe my luck. I still pinch myself sometimes, unable to believe I'm married to you, am the mother of your child and future children. _

_Carlie's getting impatient to see you again, baby, and so am I. I'm telling Mum and Dad tomorrow—well, later today—that we're leaving, so I'll see you very soon._

_We both miss you and love you,_

_Your girls, always_

_P.S. I had a strawberry shake today, but forced down a Carlie-sized meal of fish fingers and fries with peas, followed by a few grapes. Dad snuck me more chocolate, and I ate some of that. I was stuffed to bursting, but I don't want my parents to have any ammunition when I tell them the news._

It was still evening in Forks, and Dad had already checked on me once, so I closed the laptop, threw the sheet off and hobbled over to the desk where I'd put my phone to charge.

I didn't hesitate over who to call, and I waited patiently for her to answer.

"_Hello_?"

"Alice, it's me. I need your help."

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**Please leave me you thoughts :)**

**See you in a few hours ...**


	4. Kisses

**Thank you wonderful reviewers! Answers will come soon! :)**

**Thanks to A Jasper for Me for beta'ing and Cejsmom for pre-reading.**

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**_..._**

**_'For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.'_**

**—Judy Garland**

**...**

**From: savedbythebella**

**To: doctordoctor_EAMC**

**Subject: Kisses**

_I'm sorry I didn't email yesterday; I had to take an extra pill and I was out of it for most of the day. I had a couple of my shakes, but I was too gone to eat. Bleugh! Carlie said I was just like Sleeping Beauty, and asked when Daddy was coming to wake me up. She misses you so much, as do I._

_Anyway, I have good news! I spoke to my parents, and while they weren't happy with my decision, the doctor says I'm doing well so they grudgingly accepted the fact we're leaving. I know they've been on the phone with your parents—they think they're so stealthy, but they're not at all. I'm so sick of being watched and talked about. I can't wait to get back to normal._

_Alice and Jasper are flying in tomorrow to help us get ready, and our flights are booked for 08:45 AM on Monday (UK time), which means with any luck we'll be due in Seattle around 11 AM (PST). At least I'll have those two to help keep Carlie entertained. They're such good friends._

_I remember the first time I sat at your table at lunch with your friends. It was the Monday after Valentine's, and I was kinda nervous. Actually, I was a lot nervous. Your sister and Emmett weren't even together then … God, that's almost impossible to imagine! Rose was dating that guy … Laurent, was it? Her bad boy phase. Alice and Jasper actually broke for air that day to chat to me—something I soon learnt was a rarity. It didn't matter though, 'cause soon we were just as bad, weren't we?_

_Kissing you for the first time set me on fire, and the flames are still burning as brightly as ever. We were a little tentative, but your taste was so sweet and your lips were so soft, I savoured every second. From that moment on, I was hooked. I love your kisses; pecks, smooches or full on make-out sessions, I don't care which, I just want them. Always, anytime, anywhere._

_When I get back, I'm gonna kiss you and kiss you and never let you go._

_I miss you and love you,_

_Your Bella_

My cheeks were wet as I climbed out of bed, knowing I wouldn't get any more sleep. Alice had been only too glad to help when she spoke to me and said Jasper was insisting on coming with her. I was grateful they were coming, because in my weakened condition it wouldn't have been possible navigating an airport with a toddler and luggage, and I couldn't ask Rose and Emmett with the baby on the way and Josh at home. I hadn't told Alice the real reason I wanted to go home, though. She wouldn't have understood. No one would.

I shook my head, needing something to do; lying around was driving me mad now. Monday couldn't come soon enough.

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**That completes today's posts. See you Thursday.**

**Please review :) **


	5. Raindrops

**Your reviews mean so much to me. This may give you more clues, and I hope you stick with me. Remember, I write HEAs even if not completely conventional.**

**Thanks to A Jasper For Me for beta'ing, and Cejsmom for pre-reading. :)**

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**_'Silences make the real conversations between friends. Not the saying but the never needing to say is what counts.'_**

**—Margaret Lee Runbeck**

**_…_**

The first time I really learnt there was nothing friends wouldn't do for you was a gloomy Friday in my parents' London home. It would take me a lot longer to truly appreciate the extent of their loyalty and love; it would take me a lot longer to realise I was lucky.

Sitting in the bay window seat, I listened to the gentle pitter-patter of the summer rain, running my fingers idly through Carlie's curls as she busied herself with her crayons. The raindrops falling from the bruised, grey clouds were hypnotic, each little splash sending ripples through the puddles in the road. I stared, almost unseeing, as the little swells spread out and decreased, slowly fading into nothingness, with no proof they'd ever existed at all.

The spell was broken by the revolution of a tyre sending water spraying far and wide. I watched two figures climb out of the black cab, hurriedly fetching their cases as they tried to shelter from the downpour.

"Mommy! Is dat Aunty Ali and Unca Jazzie?"

"Sure is, Bug."

Mum went to greet them, finally letting up her hovering, and Carlie scrambled down excitedly from her place beside me to follow her nana. I didn't really have the energy to get up, but if I was going to get on a plane on Monday—and believe me, I was getting on that plane—I knew I had to try.

They made sure they kept their voices down—I was used to that by now—making me sigh deeply as I limped my way into the hallway. That stopped the whispers. Seeing them almost knocked me off my feet, a freak wave taking me by surprise. I instinctively tightened my grip on the doorframe 'til it was painful, my knuckles turning white. So many images and memories tried to force themselves into my mind, but I pushed them back down. _Not here. Not now. _

Alice stepped forward, her complexion paler than I remembered, but she took one look at me and her big, blue eyes filled with tears. I pretended not to notice and hugged her stiffly, trying not to wince at the twinge of pain, and moved on to Jasper.

"It's good to see ya, darlin'."

I nodded, surprised how awkward I was feeling. "Thanks for coming."

"You don't ever have to thank us, Bella," Alice said softly. She seemed to have regained her composure, for which I was grateful; I couldn't deal with that, too. "How's your leg? And your shoulder?"

"The doctor is pleased," I answered simply, partly because I knew she'd get the details from my mother, and partly because talking about injuries and hospitals and specialists brought me out in a cold sweat. I didn't like my friends seeing me like this—I just wanted things to be normal.

Of course, Mum then did the very British thing and put the kettle on, regardless of whether anyone actually wanted a cup of tea. Tea was the answer for everything in England, and I was so sick of it; I missed coffee from the fancy machine on our kitchen counter, the one that had taken us months to learn how to use properly and sometimes still didn't get right. Most women wouldn't be happy if they got a coffee machine for Christmas, but it was one of the best gifts I'd ever gotten. I'd been like a child with a new toy.

Sitting in the living room, more niceties were exchanged between my parents and our guests. Mum even brought out cake and cookies, because she was the consummate hostess. I kept my gaze on the puddles outside, occasionally asking or answering a question robotically to show I was still there. I did pay attention, though, when Carlie presented Alice and Jasper with the pictures she'd been working on all morning. They cooed and exclaimed enthusiastically, making their goddaughter beam at their praise.

"That's a lot of pictures you've drawn, little darlin'," Jasper said.

"Uh-huh." She nodded, her crayon still moving over the paper. "One for you and one for Aunty Ali, and one for Unca Emmie and Aunty Rosie, and one for Gwandpa and one for Papa 'Lisle, and one for my nanas."

Jasper grinned indulgently. "And is that one for Mommy?"

"No, silly," she giggled matter-of-factly. "This one's for my daddy."

Alice's strangled sob broke through the resulting silence, and she was quick to excuse herself from the room. I turned my head back to the window, listening to the rhythmic tapping of raindrops and watching the rivulets make patterns on the panes. I was already counting the hours until night had fallen and everyone was asleep but me. My fingers were itching for my laptop; it was a bone-deep, possessive, compulsive need, almost crushing in its intensity. Instead, I settled for making patterns on the steamed-up glass.

**_BC 4 EC_**

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**From: savedbythebella **

**To: doctordoctor_EAMC **

**Subject: 2 days and a bit!**

_I was thinking about our meadow earlier; I miss it. It must be so pretty now, all the wildflowers just in bud and the stream bubbling away. As soon as we get back, can you take me? You might have to help me up the forest trail, 'cause although my leg is healing it's still tender. _

_Just thinking of the meadow fills me with calm and contentment. It's the place we first declared our love for each other, the place you proposed, and where we first made love on a soft picnic blanket. I don't think I've ever told you what that meant to me, giving our virginities to each other. You were so loving, so gentle but passionate, and yeah it was a little awkward—we were teenagers after all—but it was perfect. Feeling you inside of me, on top of me, your scent all around me … the memory still makes me tingle. You own every part of me, baby._

_ We certainly got a lot of practice after that, didn't we? It wasn't all sweet love-making in idyllic scenes … it was raw and hot and urgent in stolen moments in our bedrooms, in our cars, the movie theatre and even a janitor's closet once or twice. One taste of you and I still can't get enough. I can't wait to feel you love me again._

_Carlie's drawn another picture for you; you're going to love it, as always! We can pin it on the fridge if there's any room left ;) It's of us three outside our house, but I warn you now though, there's a 'cat' on it (so she tells me). I think our Little Miss Mischief is trying to tell us something, since she's taken a liking to Tallulah. She calls the little ball of fur 'Tahlala' and tries to dress her up. The cat is not amused! We can discuss it when I get back—no going out buying a kitten, okay mister? I know what you're like with spoiling our girl (and I love you for it!)._

_This weekend will seem like an eternity, but finally we're coming home. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but I love you more each and every day whether we're together or apart._

_I miss you and love you,_

_Your Bella_

I clicked send, feeling air fill my lungs as if for the first time since I woke up that morning. The rain had stopped a few hours ago, leaving behind a muggy air and the damp smell of summer wafting through my window. But it was the wrong type of smell, too much like rubber and asphalt. It should have been of wet soil and soggy leaves.

Footsteps sounded down the hall, and I put my laptop away as quickly as I could. I was expecting it to be Carlie, who was still finding it difficult sleeping in a strange house, but I heard a little knock. Our daughter certainly hadn't mastered knocking yet, so it couldn't be her.

"Bella?" came Alice's quiet voice.

I wondered if I should feign sleep, but for once, I just … needed someone.

"Yeah?"

She opened the door, smiling weakly. We didn't say anything else, she just sat down and wrapped her little arms around me, hugging me tight. I didn't even realise I was crying until I tasted the salty tears running over my lips, and the only person I wanted to kiss them away … wasn't there.

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**Please review :)**

**I have a Facebook Group, Louise Lewin's Literary Corner. The link is on my profile.**


	6. Teenage Dreams

******A/N: Some of you have your suspicions. I'm not confirming anything yet, but if you really need to know, leave me a note in a review and I'll get back to you. I understand this fic may be a trigger for some of you, and I apologise.**

******I have my fics on FictionPad now and that will become my home (Louise_Lewin). Link is on my FFn profile.**

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**_'_****____****Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold.'**

**― ********Zelda Fitzgerald**

**_…_**

******From: savedbythebella**

******To: doctordoctor_EAMC**

******Subject: Teenage Dreams**

___Do you remember the day my parents announced they were moving back to England after my senior year? They wanted me to go back with them, and I fled the house in tears, turning up at your door. I was worrying—you always say I worry too much, even now—and you kept calm. You didn't say anything at first, you just kissed me, and in that one kiss I knew we'd be okay. You told me I was 'it' for you. Truth is, baby, you've always been 'it' for me, too._

___Then we started planning. We would go to college together and I'd follow you when you went to med school wherever you wanted. You used to worry you were taking me from my family, but although I would miss my parents, I already had another family._

___Your passion for medicine and helping people was as strong then as it is today. I always marvel at your unwavering ambition to become the best possible doctor even then. You've made such a difference to so many people, and the kids adore you. You play it down and say you're just a doctor, but you're not; you're so much more. You're kind and selfless and compassionate, and you give them time and understanding and laughter when they need it most. And then you still come home for dinner, play with Carlie, bathe her and read her a story, and spend time with me. And then I'm always amazed when you get up and you sing in the shower and whistle as you dress while I grumble at the alarm. I ask you why you're so damn happy, because I'm not a morning person. You always tell me you've got everything you'd ever wanted, so why wouldn't you be happy. That makes getting out of bed suddenly seem like the easiest thing in the world, because I've got everything I've ever wanted as well. I'm so proud of you, amazed by you, inspired by you … just in love with you, baby._

___Our college plans came to fruition; the day we got accepted at UW, I was so unbelievably happy. I'd been worrying (huh, maybe you're right, I do worry too much!) I wouldn't get a place, but you were so sure of it you made a bet. If we got in, I had to go to prom with you. I was still a little shy, but you should have known that would never be a hardship, baby. You in a tux? You holding me close? It was a win-win. I remember your face when you saw me in my dress … I hadn't outgrown my blush, so I was probably rosy-cheeked because you were staring at me with such awe, love and desire. I remember thinking 'I'm the one putting that look on his face'. It was an amazing night, and I'm not just talking about the hotel afterwards. That was pretty damn good too, though, wasn't it? ;)_

___We're leaving for the airport in about an hour, so I have to get up now. I can't wait to be back in your arms; I only feel whole when I'm with you._

___I miss you and love you,_

___Your Bella_

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Between us, Alice and Jasper and Carlie and myself, we had four cases, two big bags for carry-on, Carlie's rucksack, a laptop bag and a purse. I couldn't lift much due to the soreness of my shoulder, so it was a good thing Alice was strong; Jasper would need some help.

My parents were both driving so we could fit everything in, and the usual panic set in as I slid in beside Carlie. It wasn't a particularly long drive, around half an hour, so I gritted my teeth and focused on her, playing with her hair as she made me have a conversation with Snowy.

"Mommy look how close the airplane is!" she exclaimed in awe and excitement as we navigated our way through the traffic to the right terminal at Heathrow. "Is that our plane, Mommy?"

"I don't know, Bug. It could be, but there are lots and lots of planes."

We parked in short-term parking and headed for check-in. I was surprised to learn we were flying club class; I hadn't booked the tickets. It would certainly make the flight easier though, and I suspected that was the intention of whoever purchased the seats.

The airport was abuzz as we waited to go through security, families and friends and couples saying farewells all around us. Mum was already in tears, and Dad's own eyes were glistening as he said goodbye to Carlie. I looked away, unable to take it.

"Honey, are you sure about this?" my mother asked for the umpteenth time.

"I really appreciate you looking after me, but I need to go home. My life is there, and so is Carlie's." It was true; our lives were there, because ___he _was there.

She sniffled a bit, but nodded. "Well … you know where we are, ___anytime, _if you need us, okay? And you two," she said, turning to Alice and Jasper, "thank you so much for coming. Please look after our girls."

Jasper took her hands in his. "Don't worry, Renée. We promise to take care of them, don't we, darlin'?"

Alice nodded in agreement.

My dad enveloped me into a gentle hug, kissing the top of my head. "Love you, Bells. We'll come see you soon. Don't be a stranger, okay?"

"Love you, too, Dad."

When all our goodbyes were said, there was nothing left to do but make our way through security with a last wave. With every step I felt like I was moving in the right direction at last.

My leg wasn't used to that much walking, despite the physiotherapy and almost-daily outings we took in the park, so by the time we got to the departure lounge, I had to stop and take a pain pill to help with the aching.

We made one stop at the newsagents for bits and pieces for the flight, and as I was paying for the My Little Pony magazine and a few candies for take-off and landing, I saw a big bar of Cadbury's Dairy Milk. I remembered my promise to bring him some and added it to my items.

We'd had a quick bite to eat, but not a proper breakfast, so we found a seat in one of the restaurants, giving me a chance to rest my leg. I didn't even look which restaurant it was; all food tasted like cardboard anyway. I wasn't hungry, but then I never was, so I picked at a bland muffin, fighting the nausea that came with every mouthful.

"I meant to ask, will you be okay sharing a room with Carlie for a while?" Alice asked me. "Our third room is a junk room right now and we didn't have time to clear it out. Or would you prefer to stay with Carlisle and Esme?"

"What d'you mean?

"You know, when we get back?"

I shook my head. "Thank you very much for the offer, Alice, but we're going ___home._"

"Bella …"

"Mommy, I hafta go potty!" Carlie announced, half-way through her breakfast.

Alice stepped in before I could get up. "You need to rest your leg; I'll take her."

Irrational panic swelled up at the thought of my daughter being out of my sight in a busy, public place. I felt the blood drain from my face, and though I tried to keep my breathing even and deep, Jasper sensed my anxiety.

"It's okay, she'll be fine; the restrooms are right there." He pointed to the doors just fifteen feet from us. "We've got our phones and Ali won't leave her for a second."

I looked down at my hands, guilt forcing its way through. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean …"

"We know, Bella," Alice said, softly. "Come on, Little Miss, let's go."

"Mommy, don't let Unca Jazzy eat my breakie-fast!" Carlie said sternly, taking her pseudo-aunt's hand and starting to skip. Flying was one big adventure to her, so I'd expected her to be hyper. When we went to California the previous year, we thought she would be scared, but she'd been a ball of excitement and energy.

"She's so precious," Jasper said, smiling sadly. "Right then she looked just like—"

I stood up abruptly, sending my fork clattering to the floor. "You know what, I think I'll go with them, anyway. Can you watch my carry-on?"

He sighed, nodding, and I hobbled as fast I could in the direction of the restrooms, tears falling unbidden down my cheeks. I could hear my daughter's excited chatter from one of the stalls, about how she wanted to go see the aeroplanes and asking how long until 'kick off'. I felt better being able to hear her, but the concerned looks I received from the other people in the restroom sent my anxiety rocketing. I shut myself in a stall and leant back against the door.

"We're okay and we're going home," I whispered, "we're okay and we're going home."

"Bella, is that you?"

"We're okay and we're going home," I continue to chant, until I hear a little voice.

"Mommy, are you poorly?"

I manage somehow to come out of the stall, and immediately kneel down to hug Carlie tight. I can almost breathe again.

___Almost._

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**E/N: Please review. See you Monday. Answers for definite will be next week.**


	7. Welcome to Forks

*****IMPORTANT WARNING*** It's very hard to warn without giving away the plot, so if you think this could be a trigger, ask me in a review and I will tell you. Most of you can guess what's going on. Yes, I said HEA but an unconventional one. Will we see E&B together again? Yes. But this is going to be very angsty and a long journey for Bella.**

**Thank you so much for your reviews. I'm a bit scared of them, but I love to read them. I don't have time to reply to all, but if there's something you need to know, ask and I'll answer it.**

**Thanks to A Jasper For Me for beta'ing and Cejsmom for pre-reading.**

***Potential TISSUE WARNING* (I don't know how easily you cry ;) )**

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**…**

**_'When I climb the stairs and turn the key  
Oh, please be there, still in love with me.'_**

**—Lyrics from 'A House is Not a Home' by Dionne Warwick**

**…**

Alice's hand shaking my shoulder woke me from my slumber, and I briefly wondered where I was. That was until I looked out the window and noticed we were no longer airborne but taxiing off the runway towards the gate. Carlie was in the row behind us, her little button-nose pressed up against the window. Even if she'd napped, I knew she was going to crash in the car—the excitement would have been too much for her.

"I'm sorry," I said sleepily, clearing my throat. "I didn't mean to lumber you two with babysitting duties the entire time."

Alice waved my apology away. "Psh, you didn't lumber us with anything. We love to look after her, and besides, you need sleep, Bella. How long has it been since you slept for almost ten hours straight? Well, without extra pills."

I smiled weakly and squeezed her hand. She squeezed back, a gesture that said so many things I didn't understand.

When we were allowed to disembark, Jasper carried a whiny Carlie in his arms. It sent a lead weight straight to the pit of my stomach, but I couldn't put my finger on why; he'd carried her many times before.

The travelling had exhausted me, but my grit and determination kept me going, even though we had to climb on one of those carts for the lesser-mobile for the journey to baggage claim. The walk at Heathrow had put a lot of pressure on my leg, and it just wasn't strong enough yet.

Arrivals was swarming with people greeting loved ones with demonstrations of joy. I didn't feel joyous, though, just focused on my goal. I had tunnel vision on my destination and the man standing waiting for us. His attempt at a smile was so sad, so unlike his usual cheeky grin, that it choked me for a second, and I struggled to breathe.

Alice put her hand on my lower back, and the physical contact was enough for me to get a hold of myself. I was grateful my friends asked who I wanted to pick us up from Sea-Tac, because if I was struggling seeing Emmett, the idea of Carlisle, Esme and Rose right then … just, no.

My efforts since I'd gone to England had all been leading to this. When I was sick to my stomach, I would force the few mouthfuls down … to get home. When I cried out in pain from my broken leg, dislocated shoulder and surgical wounds, I kept going … to get home. Now I was so close, I couldn't see anything but that. I knew that if I could just get there, everything would be better. Everything would be okay.

Emmett sent me a look saying he understood I needed a second, sweeping Carlie into his arms instead. I felt myself start to tremble, but I rooted my feet to the floor.

"Bella?" he said tentatively.

"How are you, Em? And, uh, everyone?"

"Me? I'm, um, yeah okay. Um, Rosie's getting bigger and Josh is, uh, good."

I nodded. "That's … good."

"Unca Emmie, I gots lots to tell ya," Carlie said wearily from his shoulder as we headed out. I got the same twist in my gut as I did when Jasper had carried her earlier, and I instinctively wrapped my arms around myself. I was so close, I couldn't fall now.

* * *

Greenery. Mountains. Trees. Grass. Moss.

Familiar. _So_ familiar.

After almost three and a half hours in the car, we passed the 'Welcome to Forks' sign. Instantly, I felt like I was under the spotlight, three pairs of eyes on me looking for a sign of … well, something. I didn't know what they were looking for.

Emmett wasn't surprised when I told him we were going back to the house. I told him Carlie needed normality, which was true, and he seemed to buy it, but I also had a suspicion Alice had contacted him before the flight.

We turned into the lane, and I felt the adrenaline pump. Closer, closer. As we pulled into the driveway, my heart clenched at the sight of our beloved four-bed home.

_"Do you like it, love?" he whispered in my ear. "Can't you just see us raising our family here? Hearing our kids say their first words, watching them take their first steps? Reading them a bedtime story after they've covered me in bubbles?"_

_"How many kids are you after, Cullen?"_

_"A whole soccer team, especially if they all take after you." He winked at me. "But I'll settle for three."_

_"Three's a good number."_

_"Then what do you say? Do you like the house?"_

_"I love it," I giggled. "I love the house, I love you, and I love the picture you painted."_

_He pressed his lips to mine, his happiness palpable. "Then let's go make it reality."_

"Bella, you don't need to do this," Alice said, bringing me back to the present. "Come home with us tonight."

I shook my head fervently. "Thank you, but no. I need—" _to find him, _"—to be here. I need to get the house in order. You know how—" _he leaves it._

I couldn't finish my sentence. When I opened the car door, the others followed.

"Esme brought you some groceries," Emmett told me while Alice got my daughter from the car seat. "She wanted to be here but Ali said … well, just ... we will be over tomorrow, unless you need us before. I thought I'd warn you."

"Thanks Em. And thanks for picking us up."

"Don't sweat it, B."

While the guys went to get the cases from the trunk, I realised I didn't have my keys. I didn't have the stuffed mini-monkey key ring, a present because I always lost them in my purse, or the Belle he'd bought for me from Disneyland California, or even the fob with a flashlight 'just in case'. I didn't know what had happened to them _that_ night.

Alice placed a set in my palm. _Too new. Cold. Shiny silver. Bare._

With a trembling hand, I pushed the main key in the lock and opened it like I'd done a thousand times before.

The scent hit me first.

Mint. Soap. Peaches. Baking. Baby Powder. Camomile. Cologne.

_Brushing our teeth side by side in the new his'n'hers mirrors. Giggles and bubble bath foam beards. Washing each other in the shower. Swatting a greedy hand away from the cookies on the cooling tray. Listening to him sing lullabies over the baby monitor. Sex on the washing machine. Burying my nose in his neck as we slept just to breathe him in._

_Him._

_Her. _

_Us._

My knees began to shake from the torrent of memories brought by that sniff alone. There was no warm, velvety voice calling out from somewhere within. _Silence._ Jasper and Emmett brought the cases in, almost tiptoeing.

"Where do you want these, B?" Em's voice was quiet. I didn't like it at all; this house should have been full of life and laughter.

"L-living room." I didn't want anyone going upstairs before me.

They did as I asked, and then there were more hugs and hushed words of thanks and goodbyes and 'call us if you need _anything_', before they finally left. Carlie was tired; I could tell by the way she was sucking her thumb, so I didn't mind putting the TV on for her. I wandered from room to room, searching for something. Nothing. _Everything._

Downstairs was too clean. Neat. Tidy. I didn't like it one bit. The door at the end of the hallway was closed. I paused with my hand on the knob, losing my nerve at the last second. The dining room was pristine. No loose papers or place settings, not even any sheets or blankets over the table.

_I could hear laughter from the back of the house. The den was empty, so I poked my head in the dining room, where the table had been transformed into a fort._

_"Hmm," I hummed theatrically, "wherever could Carlie and Daddy be?"_

_Our girl's giggles were so loud, I had to stifle my own._

_"Well, they're not here, I'll have to eat this candy bar all by myself …"_

_A little head of bouncing bronze curls poked out. "Noo, Mommy! I wants candies!"_

_He stuck his head out above Carlie's, smirking at me. "Yeah, Mommy, I want candies too."_

_"Come on," I giggled, "let's see what we can find."_

_The two of them followed me to the kitchen, hot on my heels. I swore sometimes it was like having two children. I rustled up a sweet treat, and Carlie was about to bite into her mini candy bar when she looked up, her little brow furrowing as she spoke in outrage. "You forgots Daddy's candies!"_

_"Don't worry, Bug," I told her. "Daddy will get his candy when you've gone to bed."_

_I heard a quiet groan in my ear, making me smother a snicker. Carlie seemed satisfied with the answer though, soon engrossed in her snack._

_"You're a dangerous woman, Mrs. Cullen," he growled playfully, tickling my sides and making me squeal. "It's a good job I love you, isn't it?"_

_"The best, baby."_

In the kitchen the only noise now was the hum of the refrigerator and the _tick tick_ of the clock. I shook my head; it was all wrong.

I checked on Carlie, still cuddling with Snowy.

"You want mac'n'cheese for dinner, babygirl?"

"Oo I hafta haf veggies?" she mumbled.

"Just a few."

She removed her thumb to pout, her brilliant green eyes and the set of her mouth so hauntingly familiar I almost cried aloud.

Instead, I took her hand in mine. "Let's see what we've got."

Of course, Esme was one step ahead of me, having already cooked some of Carlie's favourite pasta for us and left it in the fridge. It was in the wrong bowl though. It should have been in the big blue dish, she always used the big blue dish, not the little red one.

_All wrong._

I pushed food around my plate until Carlie announced she'd finished. Our girl was too tired for bath time that evening, so even though it was still early—even for a three-year-old—I took her up to bed.

The walls in her bedroom were the same butter yellow from when it had been her nursery, with lilac accents that had been dotted around after she was born. Everything was just as it had been the last time we were here; even the book they'd been in the middle of was sitting on the little nightstand.

I helped her into some jammies from the dresser and tucked her in once she was under the covers, holding on to Snowy. Although she didn't need a story to fall asleep that night, I picked up the book anyway.

"Nooo," she said drowsily, "you can't do the voices like Daddy." A couple of tears spilled over her tired eyelids. "I want Daddy. I miss him."

I had to bite down hard on my knuckle so the sob in my throat didn't escape while I cuddled and soothed her. I couldn't even sing to her because I was afraid of what inhuman sounds would escape if I opened my mouth. Only when her sniffles stopped, and she was breathing evenly, did I let go of her.

We hadn't used a baby monitor for so long, but I found it in the drawer and took it with me just in case, tiptoeing out. My eyes fell on the door across the landing, but my vision was blurred as tears came thick and fast. I didn't even think, and as a result, I didn't prepare myself.

If I'd thought the scent coming into the house was strong, it was nothing compared to here. It was _him,_ so potent I whipped my head around searching for him, so, so sure he was going to be there.

He wasn't.

This was clearly a room nobody had tidied, and I was so fucking grateful because it was proof he still existed. The comforter still had the wrinkles on it from where he'd playfully tackled me _that_ morning as we'd grabbed our case, and the T-shirt he'd been wearing the night before was lying by the laundry basket across the room.

I dove for it like a lifeline, ignoring the throb in my leg, and buried my face in it. The smell of him was still strong. I lifted my own shirt over my head immediately and replaced it with his. Instantly I was enveloped, but not by strong arms. The scent only served to remind me of what I'd been without for so long, and I couldn't keep my wails in any longer.

"Where are you, Edward?" I cried, my body shaking violently. "Where are you?!"

* * *

**Next chapter is truth time. I'm sorry if I upset anyone or ... yeah, I'm just sorry.**

**Lou x**


	8. Truth

**I'm so sorry I haven't replied to all reviewers who wanted to know. I suck, and I could answer you now, but I fig I should just post. Thanks to everyone for your reviews, to A Jasper For Me for beta'ing, and to Cejsmom for pre-reading.**

****Warning: May be triggering. For what? Hint: Bella is in denial.****

*****Potential tissue warning*****

* * *

**…**

**_'We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we're afraid.'_**

**—Richard Bach**

**…**

**From: savedbythebella**

**To: doctordoctor_EAMC**

**Subject: A house is not a home …**

_I don't know what I expected, but this wasn't it. Everything is the same here, and yet, it's not. Nothing will feel right until you're home. _

_Do you remember our first apartment? It was a lovely little place, small but just right for us. We were in sophomore year at UW and had suffered through a year in dorms—our roommates suffered too, I imagine. It was a dream come true to fall asleep in your arms every night and wake up in them every morning, and of course, having sex whenever we wanted without sneaking around! _

_We did have to adjust, I mean, we had the most stupid rows over juice cartons, TV, and shirts left on the floor (you still haven't got the hang of that one!) … but the making up made them worth it. In the end though, we just got on with it and tolerated the other's habits. As if something like that could destroy us! You see, baby, there would be nothing more painful than to live without you in my life. So when I nag, please remember I don't mean it._

_I need you, my love. Carlie needs you, too. You're the only one who can do the voices in that book you've read a hundred times. So hurry back to us. Please._

_I miss you and love you,_

_Your Bella_

* * *

"Mommy, what's you doin in my bed?"

Carlie's voice pulled me from my light sleep, and I opened bleary eyes to my inquisitive daughter.

Being in our bedroom last night had been too much. Too much, yet never, ever enough. I just _couldn't_ be there, not until he came home, so I took refuge in the shower of the main bathroom. My tears mixed in with the cascade of water drowning out my cries, and I only got out when I began to shiver from the water turning cold.

I emailed, cleaned an already-clean kitchen, unpacked and did laundry, before curling up beside Carlie at around five in the morning.

"Sometimes mommies need cuddles too, Bug."

Like the sweetheart she was, she only contemplated my words for a second before wrapping her arms around my neck.

"Love you, Mommy."

"I love you, too, babygirl. So much."

I took her to the bathroom and made the mistake of looking in the mirror. I didn't know how long it had been since I'd looked at my reflection, but now that I was, I couldn't look away. I wasn't the same woman; I looked like I'd aged a decade or two. My cheeks were sunken and the bones protruded, skin waxy and ashen, and my lacklustre, dark brown hair hung limp. My left eyebrow was marred by an angry red scar running through it, and my eyelids were puffy, almost bruised-looking. But what shocked me most were my eyes. Dull. Vacant. Lifeless.

"Mommy, I's finished!"

I turned to focus my attention on Carlie. It was safer. I couldn't let myself go there.

So, I busied myself, taking our daughter downstairs and sourcing the ingredients for pancakes for her favourite breakfast. There was no noise apart from the beating of the whisk and Carlie's babbling whispers to Snowy and the dolls she'd insisted on bringing down, and I hated the quiet so much I had to flick the radio on.

I went to set the table; one plate, two plates, my hand reached back for the third.

He'd be hungry when he came back.

* * *

I knew Carlie had missed her Nana Esme and Papa 'Lisle, and I imagined they'd missed her just as much, so I wasn't surprised when the call came early. In truth, I'd been avoiding them. My mother-in-law invited us over there, but if I had to see everyone, I wanted them to come over instead. I wanted noise and people and _life_ to fill the house.

I hadn't spoken to Esme since being in hospital, so hearing her motherly voice made me draw a shaky breath. I was nervous. Really nervous. Something was bubbling up from within, but I forced it back down, deep inside of me.

Carlie was impatient, so after getting us both ready, I took her into the backyard and pushed her on the swing set, waiting for the sound of the engine. When it came, the invisible cracks were papered over, my crumbling façade hardening to marble. No tears ran down, just as no rain fell from the blanket of white-grey cloud above.

There was no stopping our daughter when she heard the car.

"Carlie Jane, don't run!" I called after her.

Luckily, the car was parked by the time she reached the driveway. I fought against the urge to turn away as Esme scooped her granddaughter up, Carlisle wrapping his arms around them both, looking for me.

When they spied me watching, they headed straight over, pulling me into their hug.

"Bella," Esme said, almost doting. "How are you?"

"I'm fine. My leg hurt quite badly yesterday, but I expected that. Would you like some coffee?"

I wasn't blind, of course I saw the look they shared, and I knew their smiles were fake. I wanted people to stop looking at me with pity in their eyes, because I didn't need it; I didn't even really understand it.

Carlie did all the talking as I put on a pot of coffee, but their eyes didn't leave me. Even when I turned my back, I could feel them.

"Knock knock." Emmett appeared in the doorway, his voice again too quiet, with four-year-old Josh in his arms. I went and ruffled my nephew's hair, but he came over all shy. Behind them were Alice and Jasper, who greeted me with a hug, a kiss and a sad smile. I hadn't heard them all come in; but maybe I'd left the door open.

"Aunty Rosie!" Carlie squealed, making me turn my attention to the last figure on the threshold of the kitchen.

My sister-in-law, a baby bump protruding from her tunic, crouched down and planted kisses on Carlie's face. I set my jaw against the quivering threatening to take over, and went over to hug her quickly. I pretended not to hear her sniffles.

"Aunty Rosie, wass dat in your tummy?"

"It's your cousin, sweetie. A baby."

Carlie frowned, biting her lip. "You eated a baby?"

That brought a smile to Rose's face. "No, I didn't. She's growing in there."

"She?" I asked. "Everything going well?"

"Yeah, I'm eighteen weeks. We found out a couple of days ago."

"Congratulations." I did mean it, but my voice was still flat.

The baby got everyone talking, fortunately, and I busied myself with cups of coffee and juice while Esme plated up cookies. If it had just been me, I probably wouldn't have invited everyone over at all. But Carlie had been away from her grandparents and aunts and uncles and … well, she'd been away from everyone for too long. For her, I gritted my teeth through the awkwardness. I saw questions form on Esme's lips, but one look at my face and she stopped.

Sitting around doing nothing made me feel itchy all over, restless and on edge. Voices blended into one, seemingly rising and rising, until I _had _to get up and do something.

_I'll make a salad_, I thought. _Yes, that's what I'll do._

I took out the vegetables from the crisper, a knife, a chopping board, a bowl, one by one, automatically and without thought. My hands worked all by themselves.

"Can we help, honey?" Esme's voice startled me, and I just missed my fingers with the knife.

"No, it's fine. Don't worry." I waved my hand dismissively. "I'm sorry, I forgot to thank you for the groceries. I'll give you the money."

"Isabella Cullen you will do no such thing. I just hope I wasn't overstepping the mark."

"No, not at all. Carlie enjoyed the pasta."

"Did you eat, Bella?" Carlisle asked, clearly more comfortable in his role as a doctor than as a father-in-law right then.

I nodded, even if it was a lie. I'd probably had a mouthful or two, but really … I couldn't remember.

As I worked, I could see the two of them having a silent discussion, and from the looks of things, Esme didn't agree with her husband. I carried on chopping the salad vegetables, though; even if it did annoy me, I figured they'd either give up or speak up.

"Sweetheart," Carlisle eventually said to me, "come sit down for a moment."

Noticing how nervous he suddenly seemed, I put the knife down and wiped my hands on a dishtowel, taking a seat at the table. Two small boxes, one larger than the other, now sat side by side in front of him.

"There's never going to be a good time to ask this," he continued, "but I want you to know that I am happy to hold on to these for you for as long as you want, okay? I just wanted you to know they're safe."

"What are safe?"

"Edward's watch and … and his wedding ring."

The silence stretched on and on as I looked from him to Esme and back again. "I don't know what you mean."

"I knew we shouldn't have said anything," Esme hissed at her husband, "it's too soon!"

I could feel a lump in my throat. "He would never take it off … never …"

Carlisle's face paled, morphing into utter sorrow. "Bella, you _know_ … you know he's d—"

"Stop it! Just stop it!" The chair clattered to the floor as I stood up, my eyes stinging, and before he could stop me, I reached for the smaller box. They both shouted protests, but I had to see. I needed to prove Carlisle wrong, prove everyone wrong, prove I didn't need their pity stares … because he would be home soon.

My heart stopped.

Lying in the black velvet, sunlight glinting off the metal, was a familiar white gold band.

_His eyes shone with emotion as he held his left hand out. It didn't matter that there were dozens of people behind us. No one else existed right then but me and him._

_"With this ring, I thee wed." My voice held all my devotion as I slid the white gold band into place, a sign of our never-ending love, bond and union. 'Til death us do part._

The same ring I'd placed on his finger was looking up at me, a little worn, beaten, and less shiny, but still … _his_. I shook my head violently from side to side as the ring blurred. I had to check, had to be sure, so I lifted the band up and looked for the engraved words, praying they wouldn't be there.

_Plus que ma propre vie._

"No!" I shrieked. "_No!_ This is sick! I don't know what you're doing, but he would never—"

"What's going on?" Emmett asked, rushing in ahead of the Rose.

"Nothing," I snapped, thrusting the ring and its box into Carlisle's hand.

I stalked over to the counter and resumed erratic chopping, a hand steadying my trembling movements. Esme slowly took the knife from me. "Sweetheart—"

"He's _fine, _Esme," I whimpered. "He's fine. _Please_."

She cradled my face in her hands, her features stoic despite her own silent tears. "No, my sweet girl; he's not."

I pulled away from her. "He _is. _He's just—"

"He's what, Bella?" Rose prompted shakily, taking my hands in hers. "Where is he?"

No one else said a word. Just soft cries and that _tick tick _of the clock. The walls were closing in, and I looked around for an escape, only finding tearful, pitiful faces everywhere.

"Please, Rose, please …"

"Honey, I'm sorry, but my br-brother … he isn't … he isn't coming back. He's _gone._"

"No … he promised me," I began to wail, my insides burning as if doused with acid, the agony shattering me into a million tiny pieces as my knees gave way, my whole body heaving. "No! No! _Please!_ He promised me! _Edward!_"

Everything began to blur into one as I felt strong arms catch me, but they were all wrong, and that only made me scream louder and fight harder. "Edward! Edward!"

"Carlisle, get her something! Quickly!"

I couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't do anything but sink deeper and deeper, a hand reaching into my chest and crushing the remnants of my heart. Everything was fading; growing darker and darker, and I was so, so alone with only the horrific, hoarse sobs and screams keeping me company. There were tender hands through my hair and soothing, tearful words in my ear, but I could find no comfort in them.

"Shh, my darling girl, shh."

_Esme?_

"If he had a choice he would be here, Bella. My son would _never_ leave you if he could help it; he loved you both so much. He was just too broken, sweetheart."

A lullaby filled my ears, but it wasn't the one I wanted, the one I needed. It didn't calm me like _his_, yet I'd never hear _his _again.

Nothing could reach me. Nothing could touch me. I was too far gone.

Because my Edward, my husband, best friend, the father of my daughter, the man I'd loved with all my heart and soul since I was seventeen … he was dead.

And as the darkness finally smothered me, I prayed with everything I was that it would take me, too.

* * *

**I might just have to quit the fandom now! I will give you a cryptic spoiler if you just HAVE to know how this can have an UNCONVENTIONAL HEA. Leave me a note.**

**Sorry ...**

**Lou x**


	9. Nothing

**Don't know if any of you are reading this. I am very sorry for how I've gone about this fic. I'm almost sorry I've gone about it at all. Right now I'm just ... unsure how to proceed.**

**It's going to be tough for a while.**

**Thanks to reviewers, A Jasper for Me and Cejsmom.**

*****Warning: death scene. May be triggering.*****

* * *

**_..._**

**_'The present is all you own. Live, love, enjoy, wish and accomplish. Place no faith in time, the clock may soon be still.'_**

**—Senora Roy**

**...**

_It was a heavenly way to wake up; sweet kisses on the nape of my neck, below my ear, along my shoulder. I wiggled against him, my back against his hard chest, his erection pressing into my ass through his sleep pants. Several close shaves in the mornings had taught us to always fall asleep with pyjamas on._

_"I know you're awake, Mrs. Cullen," Edward said huskily, "and I think you're being a tease."_

_I giggled sleepily. "Me?"_

_"Yes, you. You're the only wife I've got, aren't you?"_

_"I better be." I turned in his arms, my lips meeting his as I hitched my leg over his hip. _

_At the feel of my heated centre, he groaned into my mouth, trailing his fingertips down to the waistband of my little sleep shorts. Much to my intense frustration, he was just about to graze my swollen clit when the door opened. That prompted a very different, and much quieter type of groan from my husband, and as we broke apart, he gave me the look that said 'we'll be getting back to this later, don't you worry.'_

_"Mommy, I'm thwirsty." Carlie rubbed her eyes, Snowy under one arm. She never went anywhere without that cuddly lamb since Edward had brought it home from a conference last month. He hated attending them and always felt so awful for leaving us alone those five days that he brought back a ton of souvenirs. _

_ "Come on then, Bug," I said, lifting her into my arms, "how about we go start breakfast? Daddy can shower 'cause he smells."_

_He mock-glared at me, knowing I was leaving him to get a thrill on his own that morning. We'd got a long weekend all to ourselves so we could have as much sex as we wanted when we reached Seattle. _

_"Yeah, Daddy, you smell!"_

_I bit the inside of my cheek against the giggle that wanted to escape._

_He'd obviously got rid of his hard-on now, 'cause he climbed out of bed. "I smell?" he asked theatrically, beginning to tickle her. "You're the little stinker here, Bug."_

_"No, no tickle, Daddy!" _

_"Okay, okay. What are my girls gonna cook?"_

_Carlie didn't need to think about it. "Pancakes!" _

_He kissed her forehead and kissed my lips again. "Can I have choc chips?"_

_"I wouldn't make them any other way for you," I told him._

* * *

_Edward put his knife and fork together, licking his lips and smirking when he caught me watching. _

_"Dids you like 'em, Daddy?"_

_He lifted Carlie into his lap. "I sure did. My girls are the best chefs I know."_

_"Better than Nana Esme?"_

_"Um …"_

_I snickered to myself._

_"Your nana's a good chef, too."_

_"And Nana NeNe?"_

_"Yes, and her, too."_

_"And—"_

_"Hey, Bug, are you excited to spend the weekend with Nana and Papa?" I decided to change where the conversation was going. Carlie never got bored with questions, it was like a round of 'Why? Why? Why?'._

_"Uh-huh," she said. "I loves dem. And they gives me candies and toys when I stays there."_

_"I'm sure they do." I glanced up at the clock. "They'll be here in half an hour, Edward. Do you mind getting her ready?"_

_"Mommy asks silly questions, doesn't she?" he stage-whispered in Carlie's ear, sending me a wink. "Come on, Bug, let's go get you dressed."_

_She squealed as he lifted over his shoulder, the scene warming my heart. I smiled to myself as they disappeared out of the room, and I put the plates in the dishwasher. I didn't spend long getting ready as I'd take another shower and wash my hair before we went out that night. Our weekend case was packed already, so I just threw in my washbag and make-up bag on top and got dressed._

_"Hey, my parents just pulled up." I turned around to see Edward and Carlie with a little rucksack on her back, a suitcase the same size as her on the floor. Obviously she'd gotten her own way with all the toys she wanted to take when they'd packed her things the night before. I wasn't surprised—she had her father wrapped around her little finger._

_Downstairs we greeted Carlisle and Esme, clearly excited to spend three nights with their granddaughter. I gave Carlie a long cuddle, before my husband lifted her up, attacking her face with kisses._

_"Eeee! Daddy!"_

_"I love you, Bug." He rubbed noses with her. "Be good for Nana and Papa, yes?"_

_She nodded and wrapped her little arms around his neck. "I loves you, Daddy."_

_He squeezed her once more and passed her to Carlisle. "Thanks for this. We'll ring tonight, okay?" _

_"It's our pleasure. Go and enjoy your weekend."_

_We watched as they put an excited Carlie in the car seat, before getting in and backing out of the driveway, no doubt switching on the awful kids' music she loved. I sighed and leant into Edward's side as the car disappeared around the corner. I always found it hard leaving her, but I knew she was in good hands._

_My husband turned me in his arms and kissed me slowly and softly. _

_"Time for a quickie?" he asked when he pulled away._

_"Plenty of time for that later, baby." I giggled and led him inside. "I've got a surprise for you tonight."_

_"Now I'm curious."_

_I wouldn't cave, no matter what tactics he used. Even dirty ones. As soon as we reached the bedroom, I began zipping up our cases until I felt a smack on my ass._

_"Did you just spank me?"_

_"Admit it, you love it."_

_"Hmm, I do."_

_He tackled me onto the bed, making me shriek with laughter. "Come on then, vixen. Shall we get going?"_

* * *

_The drive to Seattle was fun, singing along to old songs we loved instead of nursery rhymes for infants. Sometimes we just needed some adult time, especially that weekend since it was our sixth wedding anniversary. Apart from wearing ultra-sexy lingerie, which was a given anniversary gift, I was going to tell him I'd taken my last pill the day before. Obviously it would take a few months for things to get back to normal, but hopefully we could conceive relatively quickly. I couldn't wait to see his face._

_We arrived at the Fairmont at 3 PM, having stopped for a bite to eat on the way. Edward checked us in while I called home. I could hear our daughter's giggles in the background, which made my heart soar, so I told them we'd ring before her bedtime._

_Of course, my romantic husband hadn't just booked a room. No, he'd booked a suite._

_"After you, baby," he said, pushing open the door._

_Inside the living area—complete with its own fireplace—were two massive bouquets of white and lavender roses, just the colour scheme we'd had at our wedding, and a bottle of champagne on ice. The room was elegant, with antique furniture, big lamps, thick carpet and views over the city. It was stunning._

_Edward wrapped his arms around my waist from behind, nuzzling my neck. "Do you like it, love?"_

_"It's beautiful. Thank you; you do spoil me."_

_"No, I don't. You deserve everything, because you _are_ everything."_

_I spun in his arms and pressed my lips to his. "You're everything too. I love you."_

_"I love you."_

_After several sweet kisses, I went to check out the rest of the suite, and my eyes lit up at the jetted tub _[B1] _in the marble bathroom. I couldn't wait to have a long, hot soak later._

_I was checking out the complimentary toiletries when Edward appeared in the doorway with two glasses of champagne, offering me one. "To us, Bella."_

_"To us."_

_We clinked our glasses and took a sip, before he led me back into the living area. We spent a couple of hours talking, reminiscing, kissing, laughing … just being together. His laughter was such a beautiful sound, it made me smile and laugh even more._

_"Damn, baby, we'd better get ready," he said, checking his watch. "I made reservations for seven-thirty."_

_"Where?"_

_Edward tapped his nose. "You'll know soon enough."_

_I huffed, but inevitably gave in and went to get in the shower. I even found myself singing, something I only did when I was really happy. All my beauty treatments were up to date, and I used my moisturising bodywash so my skin would be extra smooth. Edward didn't take long to get ready, so he took a quick shower while I was finishing up my hair and make-up. I wanted to look extra beautiful for him that night._

_"You're already gorgeous, love," he said from the doorway, towel low on his hips. _

_"Flattery will get you everywhere."_

_He laughed, fetching his boxer-briefs from the case. "Good to know."_

_When he was dressed—a light grey suit, white shirt and skinny green tie—I shooed him out of the room so I could put my lingerie on—I didn't want him getting a sneak peek. The silk bra and panties set was a silvery-grey-violet colour, trimmed with black lace; it matched his suit pretty well actually. _

_"Dammit," I cursed, realising I couldn't get the zipper done on the dress. It was black lace over emerald silk, figure-hugging and fell to mid-thigh, and I'd really wanted Edward to get the full effect._

_I quickly put on my heels on my stocking-clad feet, spritzed a little perfume, and added my emerald earrings. "Edward!" _

_"Yeah?"_

_"Can you come help me?"_

_"Sure, what's—" He stopped in the doorway. Wordlessly, he walked up and made me twirl._

_"I couldn't get the zipper done," I explained, my voice breathy from the intensity of his stare._

_Again without speaking, he ever so gently fastened my dress, sweeping my loose curls to one side and kissing my neck. "You look amazing, smell amazing, even taste amazing. It's just you, Bella; you're amazing."_

_"You don't want to trade me in for a younger model?" I teased._

_"Tsk, as if. It's me and you, forever, baby. You're stuck with me."_

_"Promise?"_

_"I promise."_

_I sighed, relaxing into him. We stood there for a minute or two, looking out at the rain falling from the sky, his chin on my shoulder._

_"Come on, love. I've got to show you off." He moved around so he was facing me and pressed one long, sweet kiss on my lips. "Ready?"_

_"Yep, let me grab my jacket. And umbrella!" It may have been spring, but it was still Seattle._

_His chuckle filled the air as he headed for the living room. I grabbed my fitted, black blazer, umbrella and clutch, and I switched the light off. Hand-in-hand we left the suite and took the elevator, giggling and touching and sneaking kisses as we descend. On the seventh floor, an elderly couple got in, clearly still besotted with each other._

_"Look at these two," the woman said to her husband, smiling at us, "they remind me of us when we were younger. So in love."_

_I grinned in return, looking up to find Edward staring at me adoringly. When we reached reception and headed out onto the rainy Seattle streets, he whispered, "That'll be us one day. Older, wiser, and more in love than ever."_

_I watched as he hailed a taxi, wondering if he knew I'd just fallen a little bit more in love with him right then._

_In the back of the cab, we sat close, holding hands as we were driven through the rain-slicked streets. We stopped at an intersection, and as we moved off again, I reached for my phone._

_Horns._

_Screeching._

_Screams._

_Shouts._

_Pushed down by Edward's body._

_Pain … darkness … screams …_

_Numb. I couldn't feel a thing. _

_Edward. Get to Edward._

_When I came to, my head was just inches from shattered glass on the floor. I couldn't see out of one eye because something was dripping into it. _

_Edward's body lay across mine. Blood. So much blood. _

_"Edward! Baby, wake up!"_

_Nothing._

_Screams. Sirens._

_Nothing from the only one who counts._

_"Edward!"_

_Nothing._

_Cradling him._

_Begging him. _

_"Come on, baby, _please_!"_

_Nothing._

_Shrieking._

_Crying._

_Praying._

_Nothing._

_Nothing. _

_Nothing._

* * *

**It was hard to write, so I imagine it was hard to read. This will have an uplifting ending, but I know an awful lot have flounced already.**

**Lou x**


	10. Waking Nightmare

**You guys are the best, seriously. Huge thank you to everyone who has reviewed! This is gonna be tough for a while, but I hope to depict grief accurately. However, everyone's way of coping is different.**

**Thanks to A Jasper For Me for beta'ing and Cejsmom for pre-reading.**

**Tissue Warning.**

* * *

_**...**_

_**'Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.' **_

**—From a headstone in Ireland**

**...**

I was hovering somewhere between sleep and consciousness, hushed voices on the periphery. More memories assaulted me, and in my state of limbo, I couldn't escape.

_Waking up in hospital screaming for my husband._

_The doctor telling me of my injuries._

_Broken leg, dislocated shoulder, abdominal wounds, cuts, contusions, mild concussion._

_All superficial. All unimportant. All fixable._

_Carlisle telling me _he_ was gone. _

_Internal bleeding. Punctured lungs. Shattered bones. Head trauma._

_Nothing they could do. Killed by a criminal fleeing the police, also a fatality._

_People visiting me in hospital with tear-stained faces._

_Condolences. Empty words. _

_Pushed in a wheelchair into church._

_Black._

_Words … just words._

_Taken home to England._

_Hard work. Struggle. Because if I can just get home, I can find him._

_Empty house._

_Wedding ring._

_Plus que ma propre vie._

_Gone._

_Gone._

_Gone._

My eyes fluttered open, but I didn't move. I _couldn't_. I was pinned down by the agony of the truth as it dawned on me. Crushed, jagged glass was being injected into my system, pumping through my veins leaving me ripped apart from the inside. I could feel my limbs, I could see, smell, hear, taste, but I was still paralysed, my senses cut off, because the one person who made me whole was gone, and he wasn't coming back.

The sheer need and _longing_ for him choked me before I'd even become aware of where I was, and the whimpers that filled the air were a high-pitched, animalistic cry.

"Shh," a voice attempted to soothe. "She's waking up, Jas. Can you go get Carlisle?

_Alice? _

Through the haze of tears, I could make out her dark hair. The door clicked shut, and I looked around. We were in one of the guest rooms, I could tell by the blue walls. It was daytime; I didn't know when, or how long I'd been asleep. What did it matter?

"Bella?" Alice said.

"He's dead," I choked out.

"Yes." Her voice quivered only a little. "I'm sorry."

"Carlie."

"She's fine, sweetie; she's with the others right now."

We didn't say anything else.

I heard the door open and in came Carlisle, followed by Esme.

I was an immovable block, even more so than before, as they hugged me.

"Bella," Carlisle said, "I had to give you something to help you sleep. You've been out almost twenty-four hours."

I didn't move.

"I'm sure you probably don't feel like it, but are you up to eating anything?"

A shake of the head.

"Honey," Esme murmured, "do it for Carlie. Even if it's just one of your special shakes. Otherwise Carlisle will have to phone the hospital."

"No hospitals," I said through gritted teeth.

"Why don't you come downstairs with us and we'll get a shake for you then?" Carlisle asked. "Rose and Emmett have just taken the kids to the park."

I agreed to the shake because I didn't know what else to do. I agreed because I was terrified of being admitted. And I agreed because the sooner I got my strength up, the sooner I could busy myself, doing something, anything, to distract from the unendurable pain.

They brought me the drink and set it on the nightstand, leaving me with Alice.

I'd _known _all along on some level. I'd been told by Carlisle, by my parents, by everyone. I'd gone to a funeral in a haze of medication, buried so deep in the fog and denial that I still wouldn't believe it. In England I believed if I could just get home, I would find him. I pretended because it was nicer that way … it didn't feel like my world had just been ripped apart, the pieces fluttering in the breeze.

Alice wrapped her arms around my body, a block of ice, and she let me weep. Apart from our soft cries, the only sound in the room was my breaking heart, opening up a chasm so deep and wide it could never be filled.

* * *

Carlie was falling asleep on Emmett's shoulder when they came back that afternoon. I'd moved downstairs for her and instinctively opened my arms from my seat on the sofa. Emmett placed her in my embrace, a sympathetic smile on his face.

"Mommy," Carlie yawned. "Is you still poorly?"

"I'm just sad, Bug," I told her, trying to keep my voice steady. She knew Daddy was in heaven, but I hadn't been the one to tell her. I had to put her needs before my grief; I didn't have a choice anymore. "I miss Daddy lots."

"Is he really in heaven, Mommy?" Carlie wasn't asking about proof of the afterlife, but asking if he was really … gone.

"Yes, babygirl. I'm sorry."

She sniffled into my neck for a while, and I could feel her tears on my skin. "Why dids he go?"

I was saved having to answer her by her soft snores. It was a good thing, because I didn't know how I would have answered. I just squeezed her tighter.

I was grateful they let me up from my 'rest' to help make dinner, because I _needed _to be busy. It was twice as bad as it had been before, I suddenly felt like I had all the energy in the world. Except it wasn't positive energy but _pain, _and I wanted to use it, burn it, power through it, change it into something useful.

While dinner was in the oven, I took a blisteringly hot shower, yanking a comb through my wet hair when I was done, welcoming the sharp pulls and tugs. I locked the door to our bedroom and put the key above the doorframe, then went to change the sheets in Carlie's room and the two guest rooms. I didn't care if it didn't need doing. In my mind, it did. Because if I let myself feel the full intensity of my emotions, I knew I would crack. And I couldn't risk that yet.

A knock on the guest room door startled me. "Dinner's ready."

Rose was tired, emotionally and physically; it was evident in her voice. My eyes were automatically drawn to her baby bump. It was another stab in my gut, since we'd given birth within six months of each other. We'd both planned to have three children. This house, bought to raise a family in, would never see all the kids Edward and I had planned. Carlie would never have a brother or sister. I would never have a little boy with his father's messy hair and crooked grin.

That was the first time I internally screamed the words, "_It's not fair!" _

It wouldn't be the last.

She held out her hand for me, and I took it. I didn't speak, and neither did she, because there was nothing, _nothing _that could lessen the pain, the loss, the hurt. For anyone. I knew she was hurting, too; she'd lost a brother. Esme and Carlisle had lost a son. Alice and Jasper had lost a close friend. Carlie had lost a _father._ And me? I'd lost … I'd lost just about everything.

When we walked into the dining room, Esme was sniffling, putting a placemat back in the drawer. It didn't click for a second.

I'd set the table earlier. I'd set it for ten. We weren't ten anymore; we were nine. Three couples. Two children. And me … my other half ripped away.

Dinner passed me by in a haze as I stabbed pieces of chicken with my fork. I helped Carlie with her food, but apart from that, I switched off. Yes, they'd all lost someone; someone dear to them. But Carlie and I had lost the man at the centre of our worlds. Everyone else still had _that_ person. They'd grieve, remember, but life would move forward for them. Carlie would miss her daddy, but her infant memories would fade, and one day she'd find her own soulmate.

Mine was gone.

How could he be there one minute, breathing, talking, loving, living … and then the next just _gone_? No longer existing. The instant his heart stopped, he ceased to breathe, to talk, to live … he ceased to love. And that _destroyed _me because I was left behind, loving someone who didn't exist anymore. I only had memories, and a memory couldn't kiss me or hold me or love me. Memories were just snapshots of a time gone by, a time I may long for but would never get back.

I was glad when dinner was over, because all I could think about was the empty place where my husband should have been.

* * *

Carlisle and Esme offered for us to stay with them. So did Alice and Jasper. And Rose and Emmett. I declined, though it hardly mattered since I wasn't deemed fit to be left alone. They'd probably even got a rota.

On some level, I knew I wasn't being fair, but then inside I was screaming, 'You know what's not fair? My husband dying, Carlie's father dying.'

There's that word again. _Fair._

I forced down the emotions threatening to spill over as I gave our daughter a bath, but I was grateful when her grandparents stepped in for bedtime, because I didn't think I could read the story. It was _their_ thing, Carlie and Edward's, and I couldn't listen to my daughter cry for her daddy right then; I just wasn't strong enough.

I found myself longing for my laptop like an addict needing a fix. But for the first time, I realised he wasn't going to answer. And that opened the floodgates. I'd never read his cheeky replies or sweet love notes he'd leave on post-its around the house. I'd never get texts during his breaks 'just because', or hearts drawn in the steam of the bathroom mirror. I'd never hear his voice anywhere apart from a crackly video. And I'd never hear him tell me he loved me ever again.

I sank to my knees in the den, the walls shaking. It wasn't until I felt arms around my shoulders and saw Carlisle kneel down in front of me that I realised it wasn't the room at all; it was me.

"Oh sweetheart!" Esme cried. "Let it out, it's okay."

"Why?!" I wailed. "Why him? Why?"

Between them they rocked me like a baby, my sobs wracking and raw.

Neither answered me … because no one knew.

* * *

**Much love,**

**Lou x**


	11. Lost

**Your support is so welcome. Thank you for your reviews from the bottom of my heart :)**

**Thanks to A Jasper For Me for beta'ing and Cejsmom for pre-reading.**

**I'm gonna give a tissue warning for the whole fic-it's just safer!**

* * *

**…**

**_ 'Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.'_**

**—Edna St. Vincent Millay**

**…**

**From: savedbythebella**

**To: doctordoctor_EAMC**

**Subject: Lost**

_I know you can't reply to this. I know you can't even read this. But I still have to send it._

_Baby, there are no words to explain how much I miss you, or how truly tortuous every second of the day is without you here. It would be like trying to describe colours to the blind, sounds to the deaf. It cripples me all day and even more so at night, when I want you to hold me so badly I could scream. I curl up in the foetal position and wrap my arms around myself, trying to hum your soothing lullaby until I can't keep my eyes open any longer, either from exhaustion or crying or both._

_As soon as I'm alone in the evenings, I cry and cry and cry—not little tears you used to kiss away, but deep, gut-wrenching sobs that make my body hurt, muffled in a pillow because unless it's you, I don't want someone to come and comfort me. I just let the tears take me, tears that try to wash away a pain that can never ever be erased or cleansed. _

_It was supposed to be better here; it was supposed to heal the gaping chasm in my chest. But all it's doing is reminding me of you; you're everywhere but at the same time … you're nowhere._

_I miss you and love you,_

_Your Bella_

* * *

A week after my realisation, a week of asking for some space, and they finally thought it was safe to leave me alone. Routine became my best friend, the days broken down into a series of activities to keep me busy. Up with Carlie, make breakfast, tidy the kitchen, dress, and prepare lunch and dinner all before eight o'clock. My visitors/wardens arrived by nine, usually Esme, Rose and little Josh, and while they hovered, I baked. Pies, cookies, cakes, brownies. Anything. Everything. I baked a lot.

Jasper and Emmett were still on summer break from their jobs at Forks High, so they joined us for lunch. Then it was time for an outing, the park or La Push beach, sometimes joined by Alice when she closed her boutique. After that I cleaned, scrubbing bathroom tiles and vacuuming already-clean carpets. Everywhere but our bedroom and the room at the end of the hall.

We all ate dinner together, though Carlisle often worked. I bathed Carlie and put her to bed, said goodbye to everyone, cried in the shower, settled in front of mindless TV for company and cried, emailed Edward and cried some more, praying for the pain to lessen. I would fall asleep for two or three hours, and wake up to find the pain, the longing, the crippling loss, as fresh and intense as ever. Wash, rinse, repeat.

The structure was a lifeline, stopping me from drowning in the violent, choppy sea of my grief. Friends visited and said more words that had no meaning, even if the thoughts behind them were genuine. If I heard one more person say, "It was his time", or, "Time heals all wounds", or even, "God called him home", I would punch them in the face. What a load of bullshit. It wasn't 'his time'. He had a daughter and family … he had me. How could it possibly have been his time to go? And time wouldn't 'heal all', because it wouldn't bring him back. And if 'God called him home', then I wanted nothing to do with _God _ever again. What god would take a young husband and father?

Angela, Kate, Leah, Emily, they all visited. All happily married. I found myself serving tea just like my mother, suddenly understanding the phrase 'tea and sympathy', and sitting there wondering … why not their husbands? Why mine? And then I felt like a terrible person and almost pushed them from the house.

There were some things I couldn't hide from or lock away. I paid bills, even though Carlisle offered to step in. I couldn't accept, though; I needed to be in control of something. Financially, Carlie and I had no worries. Mentally and emotionally, I was in shreds. Carlie was coping, though, and that was the only blessing I could cling to.

I'd lost track of the days since I'd come home, but I was pretty sure it was a Sunday. I couldn't be certain, but Alice had been here all morning so that would explain it. We were sitting down for lunch, the nine of us. Edward's place was still empty, of course, though most times I still took out ten placemats. And it suddenly occurred to me, if we were nine … then he was just one. I suddenly felt awful it had taken me so long, too blinded by my pain to realise he was all alone … somewhere. Was he scared? Was he hurting? I couldn't bear to think of him like that, because I couldn't comfort him.

I pushed my chair back from the table and took my plate to the kitchen. Alice followed me and took one look at my horrified, anxious face.

"Are you okay?"

_What a stupid question, _I thought, though I didn't say it.

"No, Alice. I'm not okay. I'm a thirty-three-year-old widow. I'll never see my husband again. My daughter won't remember her father." _And Edward's all alone. _"Shall I serve dessert now? I made cheesecake."

* * *

The park brought the only sound that could shine a hint of a glimmer of light on my black heart—Carlie's giggles. Esme helped her up the slide steps, while I dragged my heels in the dirt beneath the swings. The ground was dry for Forks; we hadn't had much rain at all since I came back from England.

I people-watched as I went back and forth on the swing. Did the man walking his dog know Edward was gone? Did the woman pushing the stroller know what a good man he was … what a good man he _had been_? Did she know he didn't deserve to die? All the families enjoying that bright day … did they know just how lucky they were? Enjoying laughter, sunshine, ice-creams … enjoying life? How could the world just keep spinning, when mine had been destroyed?

My fists clenched so tight my nails dug into my palms. I wanted to scream, kick, punch, rant, and rave because … it wasn't fair. The intensity of the pain at the injustice made me close my eyes, and I wanted ... I wanted so badly for the world to be fair again. It was such a strong yearning I was convinced when I opened my eyes, he'd be standing before me.

He wasn't; nothing had changed.

That was the time I should have learnt no amount of wishing and wanting did any good. Needless to say, I didn't learn it then.

Rose appeared in front of me and handed me a tissue. I didn't even know I was crying.

"We had plans," I said shakily. "So many plans."

She didn't offer me glib reassurance or the platitudes usually given to grieving widows, she just sat down on the swing next to mine.

"I want him back, so badly I can hardly breathe," I told her. "I _know _he's gone but … sometimes, for a moment, I forget. And when it hits me, it's like losing him all over again."

"I know. He's always been there and now …" She shook her head, sniffling. "Bella, have you considered bereavement counselling?"

"Will it bring my husband back?" I asked rhetorically.

"It might help you come to terms with it."

I whipped my head around fiercely. "I don't want to come to terms with it!"

She opened her mouth to speak, but I was saved her response by a squeal of, "Mommy, look!"

I climbed off the swing and headed over to my daughter at the top of the slide, still irate at Rose's words. Coming to terms meant accepting, and accepting meant forgetting. And if I forgot, what proof would I have he'd ever existed at all?

The rest of the day was the same as every other one. As soon as Carlisle and Esme left for the night, I shut the door, leaning my forehead against it. Usually on a Sunday evening, Edward and I would curl up on the sofa with a movie and popcorn and end up kissing through it. So, as soon as I'd finished my cry in the shower and checked on Carlie, I made my cocoon on the sofa in the den and slipped in a DVD. More precisely, our wedding DVD. I couldn't believe it hadn't occurred to me before.

And suddenly, he was _there. _He was animated and happy, a bit younger, and so _alive. _For a second, I could breathe again.

_"Put it down, Em!" he laughed, swatting the camera from his face. The guys were all finishing getting ready, adjusting ties and cuffs._

_"No, come on," Emmett insisted, "I'm today's cameraman so I want to get some 'before' interviews."_

_"You're not working for CNN, you know."_

_"No, this is much better! So, Edward, are you nervous about marrying our B?"_

_Edward looked at him like he was crazy. "I've dreamed of this day for a decade, why would I be nervous?"_

_"I dunno, stage fright? You'd better not have cold feet or I'll kick your ass!"_

_"Emmett, I hope you edit this shit out of the video," Jasper laughed._

_"Me too," Edward agreed, growing serious. "But no, I haven't got cold feet. I love Bella more than my own life." He smiled at a hidden meaning. "There's no one else I want to spend my life with, have a family with, grow old with."_

_"Whoa, save it for the speech, Romeo!"_

_"Well, you asked, asshole."_

_"I'm going to find B, she might be nicer to me than you!"_

_"Can you give her this?" Edward pulled a small, gift-wrapped box from his old desk drawer. "It's a 'before' wedding present."_

I knew what was in that box, a beautiful, white gold chain that now sat, cherished, around my neck. I climbed off the sofa and sat close to the TV, my fingers reaching out to touch his face. All I could feel was the cold glass of the screen. I was separated from him, just like in my harsh reality. The delicious torture of seeing him _alive _again was almost too much to take, and I angrily stopped the DVD.

I spent that night emptying the kitchen cupboards and furiously scrubbing until I collapsed against the cabinet door, a weeping, whimpering mess.

* * *

My neck, shoulder and leg were aching when I woke up, still on the kitchen floor, an hour or two later, so I took a couple of painkillers. The rain falling from the grey skies made my heart twist. Edward loved—no, _used to love_—the rain. Thinking like that hurt too much, and the burning pain in my gut had me shaking at the unfairness again.

I was pissed. I was pissed that Edward had been taken from me, from us. Sixteen years was all I got with him. Sixteen years out of a lifetime, and Carlie only got three and a bit. She wouldn't even really remember him.

I was raging that the man responsible died in an instant; he didn't suffer for what he caused. I could blame him, but I couldn't make him suffer like I wanted to.

I was fed up of being treated like a china doll that might break at any moment, fed up of clichés and words that meant _shit._ I was fed up of people telling me everything would be okay. What did they know?

I was angry at myself. If I had taken longer to get ready that night, or if I had been quicker, if I had stopped in reception to call home instead of waiting for the cab, then Edward would still be here. I was angry because I survived and he didn't.

I was angry for everything Edward would miss, everything he'd wanted, dreamt of, planned … and now he'd never have the chance.

As I stormed through the hallway, I passed a photo of us on the wall, his smiling face looking back at me. Frozen in time. A moment I'd never get back.

So many questions that would never be answered.

_Why_ did he leave me?

Had I not been enough to keep him fighting?

How could he leave me to raise our daughter alone?

And suddenly … I was furious with him.

* * *

**Anger is a perfectly natural response to losing a loved one; it is a stage of grief. It may not be rational, but emotions never are. Bereavement counselling is not for everyone, but it can be a huge help to many. There is help out there.**

**Love you guys!**


	12. Fury and Friends

**Love you guys, lots! This chapter was very hard to write personally, but this is something Bella needs to get off her chest.**

**Thanks to A Jasper For Me for beta'ing and Cejsmom for pre-reading. **

**Potential tissue warning.**

* * *

**_..._**

**_'Anger is never without a reason, but seldom with a good one_****.'**

**—****Benjamin Franklin**

**...**

I was only just keeping a lid on my bubbling ire when Esme arrived that morning. I felt like I could knock out a heavyweight, crush rocks with my bare hands, outrun a cheetah and still have energy to burn. So much pain, so much hurt, so much anger all at the same time, all trying to make themselves heard. My emotions, my nerves, everything was stretched so taut it felt like it would snap at any moment.

My mother-in-law took one look at me harshly scrubbing the work surface and sighed deeply, pulling me into a hug. "Why don't I take Carlie out for the day?" she suggested. "Maybe La Push? Rose wants to get out anyway, and maybe Emmett and Jasper can—"

"Babysit me?" I felt bad for snapping at her, but it was just another drop in a huge, swirling ocean of emotion. Still, I managed to utter an apology. "I'm sorry. I'm sure Carlie would like a day out somewhere other than the park ... just, please don't let her out of your sight?"

It was a stupid thing to ask her, but I was scared. She was the last part of Edward I had. Without her … no, I couldn't think about that.

"I promise, sweetheart." She paused for a moment. "Bella, I know Rose has mentioned it, but have you thought any more about … bereavement counselling?"

"What's the point?" I asked, picking up my cloth. "They haven't got a magic wand, Esme; they won't bring him back."

"No, nothing will," she said shakily, taking something out of her bag. She held a flyer out to me. "I've been to one session. I thought you might like to come along."

_Port Angeles Bereavement Support Group_

_Olympic Memorial Hospital, Thursday evenings, 7PM-8:30PM._

I shook my head and handed it back to her. "No, thank you. I don't need to talk about it to know this is the reality he's left me with."

"Bella, you know he didn't—"

"What?" I cut her off. "He didn't leave me to raise our daughter alone? He didn't _die_?"

_God, she doesn't deserve this, _I thought to myself. _She's his_ _mother. _But my rage just seemed to latch on to the nearest source and spew out acidic, hurtful words that only made me angrier, this time with myself.

Of course, Esme being the compassionate person she was, just wrapped her arms around me. "My sweet girl, some days I feel exactly the same. You're hurting, we're all hurting, and sometimes we're going to say and do things that can hurt each other, or things we don't mean." She smiled through the deep sorrow on her face. "It's grieving, Bella; it's a process, sometimes we tread water, other times we almost drown. But we've always got each other."

"Nana!" Carlie exclaimed, rushing in with Snowy under her arm.

Esme scooped her up. "Hello, little darling."

"Do you want to go with Nana today, Bug?" I asked.

She hesitated, her brow furrowing, before uttering in a meek voice, "Will you comes back, Mommy?"

"What d'you mean?"

"I goed with Nana Esme before, but Daddy didn't come back." Her lip quivered and her eyes filled with tears. "I miss him … I don't want you to go, too."

Pain. Searing, white-hot, blinding pain through my heart is all I could feel. _Comfort her first, break down later._

Esme stifled a sob and set Carlie on her feet so she could go get a tissue. I crouched down, wiping my daughter's tears that had spilled onto her rosy cheeks, and I looked her in the eye. I wanted so badly to promise her, to promise I would always be here. But I'd witnessed how quickly life could be destroyed, and I wouldn't lie to her. I wouldn't give her false guarantees.

"Mommy will always do everything she can to come home to you, Carlie." I placed my hand over her heart. "And I will always be here, just like Daddy's always here with you."

She sniffled for a bit while I held her tight, and I was _so close_ to losing it. I locked my jaw, gritted my teeth and used every ounce of strength I had to remain a rock for her. Esme, who seemed to have regained her composure, stepped in and took Carlie to get ready. I dried the dishes by the sink, trying to keep myself from smashing the whole goddamn lot.

"We're off now, Bella," Esme said from the hallway.

I wiped my hands on the dishcloth and went to give my girl a big hug and a kiss, making her giggle. "See you later, Bug. I love you."

"Love you! Bye-bye, Mommy!"

I made sure they had everything before following them outside and waving them off, waiting until the car had backed out the driveway. It reminded me so much of _that_ day my knees began to tremble. How he'd asked me for a quickie. How I'd said we had plenty of time for that later; how I'd turned down what would be my last chance to love him.

I quickly ran back inside the house, shutting the door behind me and sinking down against it. His picture on the wall, still frozen, still happy, sat there still, and all the feelings I'd been pushing away in front of Carlie, all the anger I'd been masking, came pouring over me in a deluge, saturating every cell of my body.

I got up and stormed into the living room, firing up my laptop. My fingers were soon flying across the keyboard, unleashing my rage.

**From: savedbythebella**

**To: doctordoctor_EAMC**

**Subject: (none)**

_How the fuck could you leave us?! You promised me! You promised you'd always be here! If you couldn't fight for me, couldn't you at least fight for your daughter? She misses you so much and it breaks my already-shattered heart. What gave you the right to just leave me to deal with the fallout?! You said we'd be together forever and I believed you! Your promises mean shit to me now! _

I clicked send and launched my laptop onto the floor with a crash, revelling in the noise; this place was too fucking quiet. I switched the iHome on, turning up the volume as if I could drown out the deafening roar of my pain.

Another picture on the end table, another frozen smile. I didn't even think; I picked it up and threw it at the fireplace. The glass shattered, but the photograph still taunted me; of a time when we were happy, a time we were together … of a time when we thought we had forever.

* * *

I didn't know how long I stood there staring at the smashed frame and his joyful face covered in glass splinters, but the music suddenly stopped. I turned to find Emmett and Jasper looking at me with those damn pitying, concerned faces.

"We were worried when you didn't answer," Emmett explained.

"I need to clean this up." I hurried from the room and fetched some old newspaper and a dustpan and brush.

"Let us do it," Jasper said. "You're shaking; we don't want you to cut yourself."

I agreed because I most likely would cut myself if I tried to do it and there was no one here to stitch me up anymore. They cleaned it up in silence, so quiet and solemn the place felt like a goddamn mausoleum.

"Where do you want this until we can get you a new frame?" Emmett asked, the photo in his hand.

"Put it away; I don't want to look at it."

"Bella …"

"I said I don't want to look at it, damn it!"

Emmett frowned, not understanding my reasoning. "Why?"

"Why?! I'll tell you why, Emmett: he left us! He's gone, gone somewhere I can't follow no matter how _fucking badly_ I want to, because I have our little girl to look after!"

He stepped forward. "B, Edward wouldn't want—"

"Don't tell me what he would or would not want!" I cried hoarsely. "He was _my _husband! _Mine!_ And he's gone; he _gave up_! Do you have _any_ idea how that feels?! Do you?"

I picked up the nearest ornament and smashed it against the wall, reaching for the next and the next, smash after smash, before strong arms wrapped around me from behind, pinning my own to my side. Emmett tried to soothe me, but my anger had given me strength like never before and I twisted in his grip, pummelling my fists against his chest.

"_Why?! _Why my husband?! Why Carlie's Daddy?!"

"Bella, it's okay to be mad," Jasper said. "Hell, I am. He was my best friend and he was taken away … I spent most of my life with him and it guts me knowing I can't just pick up the phone to call him. I know how—"

"So help me if you finish that sentence, Jasper!" I seethed. "No one knows what I'm going through because at the end of the day, you all have that one person to make it better, that person you fall asleep with!" My chest was heaving and I could feel the heat in my cheeks. "I feel the pain of losing him a thousand new ways every fucking day, and I'm so, so tired of it! I want him back, goddamn it! I just want him _back_!"

The fight went out of me, no energy left to keep fighting two friends who were only trying to help me. Jasper wrapped his arms around me as well, and the pair of them just let me sob and sob, their own tears joining in.

* * *

**So ... yeah, that was tough. She's trying to be strong and keep it all together, but grieving is an individual process, as Esme said. Although bereavement counselling has been mentioned, it isn't for everyone. Everyone needs to find their own way through somehow.**

**Lots of love,**

**Lou x**


	13. Little Things

**Thank you everyone for your reviews, to A Jasper For Me for beta'ing and Cejsmom for pre-reading.**

* * *

**…**

**_'It's the little details that are vital.'_**

**—John Wooden**

**…**

I apologised to Jasper and Emmett when I calmed down the day of my flip out. They told me not to worry; in fact Jasper even told me he'd been expecting it. They offered to take me to the gym with them to use the punching bag and let out some aggression and emotion.

I took them up their offer, partly because I didn't want to risk another break down like before, and partly because if I didn't let any feelings out, I was sure the build-up would kill me. So I had two methods of releasing my emotions; punching in the gym until I was on the verge of collapse, and crying my eyes out every evening like clockwork.

I now found myself in the middle of a fierce tug of war, anger one side and guilt the other, with pain their common ground. I didn't email Edward, I didn't talk to him and I steadfastly avoided looking at any photographs of him around the house. The only reason I kept them on display was for Carlie; it wouldn't have been fair of me to deprive her of them. She was still too young to really comprehend that he was never coming back. If I couldn't understand it, how could she be expected to?

Slowly, or so it seemed, I was given more freedom. Someone would pop in during the morning, but it wasn't the whole family anymore. Dinners all together were every third day, lunches only on a weekend. It confused me; on one hand I was glad I wasn't being mollycoddled anymore. On the other, it meant they were moving forward. Healing. _Forgetting._

"The baby's squeezing my bladder every five minutes," Rose grumbled, sinking into her seat again.

I sipped my diet Pepsi, watching my daughter squeal in the mini ball pit with her cousin and Snowy of course, burying Uncle Emmett in the colourful orbs. The Port Angeles Play Centre was Carlie's new obsession, but I hadn't taken her alone yet. I hadn't driven at all, because I couldn't summon the courage to go into the garage.

Rose chuckled to herself, watching the same scene as me. "Has she given you a list yet?"

"Huh?"

"I thought she might be putting every toy she saw on TV on her birthday list."

I shrugged. "Not yet, it's too far in advance, even for her."

The small smile on her face faded. "Bella, her birthday's in three weeks."

Icy chills began to spread out through my body. Three weeks?

"But she was born a week after my birthday."

She nodded slowly. "That's something else we were going to discuss, I just thought you knew …"

I didn't listen anymore. Three weeks? That made it … the beginning of September. _It can't be. _

I hadn't been keeping track of time; I'd just assumed it would always be April. Because in April he lived and breathed. In April, we'd had a future. In April, he loved me. Blossoms were on the trees, beautiful, hopeful and full of life. Now the leaves were turning brown, falling, ready to be swept away by the breeze … taking Edward with them.

_I'm losing him._

I'd spent so long wanting the pain to stop, but now I never wanted it to end. Because if I stopped hurting, he'd be lost to me forever.

* * *

In the days after Rose's revelation, I noticed everything changing again. I really didn't like change anymore. Alice was rushed off her feet with customers stocking their fall closets. Jasper, the school counsellor, and Emmett, the sports coach, were no longer around in the daytime, both returning to their jobs at Forks High. But there was something much bigger that upset me and my routine, something I'd been terribly remiss over. There was a huge circle around it on the calendar, but I hadn't thought to look until Rose mentioned the upcoming date; Carlie was due to start pre-school. It was a huge milestone, and it almost knocked me to the ground.

I was helping her dress when I broached it, forcing my voice to stay steady and as upbeat as possible. "Bug, do you remember we told you about going to school this year?"

She nodded, her eyes wide. "Nana Esme sayed I can go with Josh and Isaac and Claire for da mornings."

"Do you want to go? Because if you don't, you don't have to go yet."

"Hmm." She tapped her chin, a habit she'd got from her father and grandfather. "Yes, Mommy, I want to go. I want to be a big girl."

It hurt more than I'd expected. I didn't want her to go to pre-school at all, but denying her the chance wouldn't have been fair. I blinked back my tears; she wanted to grow up, but I wanted to keep her like this forever. Because every minute she grew was a minute he wasn't here to see.

I smiled through my sadness for her. "Okay, babygirl. Shall we get you a new backpack?"

"Can I have a fairy one?"

I was finally able to lift her properly again, so I hoisted her up into my arms. "You can have whatever you want."

I called Rose and Esme, and we made plans to leave in half an hour. I didn't notice before, but the temperature had dropped and the clothes I'd been living in weren't warm enough for Washington in fall. Sooner or later I would have to go into the bedroom … but not yet.

Instead, I searched in the hall closet for a hoodie or jacket, and my heart thudded at the sight before me.

_I heard the front door open and grinned. I was just finishing my cleaning, making the apartment sparkle after our few weeks back in Forks. _

_"I come bearing gifts of food and drink!" Edward called out._

_"Mmm, my hero."_

_He came through into the kitchen, his hair darker from the drizzle falling outside, and set the numerous bags down on the counter. _

_"What d'you bring me?" I teased. _

_"I got everything on the list, a menu for that new Chinese takeout, and …" He pulled bulky something out of the carrier bag. "Ta da!" _

_I laughed at the grey hoodie. "Another one?! You've got two from Forks High and three from UW already."_

_"Ah, but this is for you."_

_"But I only like them when they smell like you." _

_He leant in to kiss the pout from my lips. "Okay, love, I'll wear it for the year and then after that, wherever we are, this can be yours." He turned it around to reveal the name 'CULLEN' printed across the top. "One day this will be true in every sense, baby."_

"Mommy! Nana's here!"

I shook my head from the memory, swiping at my cheeks angrily. The hoodie didn't smell like him anymore—he hadn't wore it for years—but the fact he'd worn it once made me slip it on over my T-shirt.

"Coming, Bug."

And just like that, I was forced into another step I wasn't ready to take alone. That was the first time I really understood the _theory_ of the phrase, 'Life goes on.' Because although I didn't want it to, it was happening anyway … and I didn't know how to stop it.

* * *

Carlie got her wish of a fairy backpack, all pastel pink and baby blue. She even got a matching juice flask and snack box, new crayons and a hairband. I remained stoic with a smile plastered on my face for her, sitting on my emotions like I was trying to close a jam-packed suitcase.

"Mommy," she said as we left the store, "can we go to McDonalds?"

Rose and I looked at each other and silently agreed. I knew I was spoiling her, overcompensating, but I couldn't help it. "Okay, you've both been so good today, we can go."

She and Josh both cheered and grabbed Esme's hands, pulling her towards the fast-food joint.

"Have you thought about her birthday?" Rose asked as we walked along behind them.

"I'm going to order some presents online."

"I meant a party."

I stared at her blankly. How on earth had that not crossed my mind before? Carlie was just a child, she'd still want a party; she _deserved _one. Was I that self-involved that it didn't occur to me to organise a party for my own daughter? What kind of mother did that make me?

"Bella, stop freaking out—"

"There's so much to do!" I hissed. "I need food and balloons and party favours, a bouncy castle and, oh God, I haven't even got a theme! What about invitations?!"

"Bella, it's okay," Rose said, resting her hands on my shoulders. "We'll all help and she'll have a great time, whatever we do. Another thing while we're at it: Friday night we're going to Alice's."

I shook my head. "No."

"It wasn't a question, honey. We're not asking you to celebrate anything—no one is—but to be alone on your birthday surely can't be healthy for you. We'll kidnap you if we have to." Of course, she knew best. Everyone knew best apart from me, apparently.

I pleaded, I argued, and in the end, I had to barter.

"No presents."

She smiled in victory. "Deal."

Inside, Esme got a booth for us, and we put our bags down with her and the kids.

"Your usual, Bug?" I asked.

Carlie nodded. "And the toy, please, Mommy!"

I kissed her head and went to queue with Rose, letting her go first because she said she was ravenous and craving French fries, before disappearing to the restroom muttering about the baby and her bladder, and also how her ass was going to double in size with all the food she was eating.

"Next," the bored cashier called.

I stepped forward. "A McNugget Happy Meal with apple juice, a cheeseburger with small fries and diet Coke, and—" I froze.

"And?" The girl looked at me impatiently.

"And nothing," I said quietly. "That's all."


	14. Birthday Blues

**…**

**_'Those we love and lose are always connected by heartstrings into infinity.'_**

**—Terri Guillemets**

**…**

The day before my birthday, I found myself holding Edward's spare car keys, staring at the garage door and steeling my nerves. I couldn't keep on relying on people for rides and favours. I had a daughter to care for and a house to keep stocked. No matter how much I wanted to hide from them, I had responsibilities. Carlie was with her aunts, so I gathered my courage and hit the button. His SUV sat there with mine, side by side like nothing had changed.

The anxiety and overwhelming rush of feelings almost made me shut the door again, but somehow, I didn't. I trembled and cried, but while it hurt, almost so much I could barely stand it, I also felt closer to him because his car had been his pride and joy when it came to material possessions. So I pushed through the torment like wading through tar and opened the car door. His scent mixed with that of the leather seats made me dizzy; how could such a seemingly insignificant thing bring both agony but relief at the same time? I curled up in a ball in the driver's seat and let my tears run off the leather. That was where Esme found me two hours later. That was the first time I really let her in since the accident.

That night, the 12th September, I made sure I fell asleep on the sofa. Some nights I would go up to one of the guest rooms, but I always found myself reaching out for the body I longed to find lying next to mine. Waking up without him there was like being doused in iced water, and I knew it would be worse on my birthday. Friday thirteenth. How very apt.

I'd spent the past sixteen birthdays with him, seventeen if you included sitting beside him in Biology that first semester in Forks. The first time we woke up together on my birthday was my nineteenth in college.

_I yawned and stretched, wiping my eyes. Edward had spent the night_ _in my dorm room as my roommate was with her boyfriend, so I was a bit put out to find the bed empty and cold. I didn't have time to pout too long though, because the door opened, and in came a chirpy Edward, hair all over the place and shirtless carrying a tray._

_"Morning, baby," he said brightly. "Happy Birthday."_

_I was too shocked at the sweetness of my man to reply, until he leant over me and kissed me tenderly._

_"Mmm," I moaned, "you are full of surprises, Cullen."_

_He laughed, sitting on the bed with me and setting the tray down. "Um, the omelette burnt a bit and fell apart, but I think the French toast is edible."_

_I appreciated his efforts more than he would ever know, and his toast definitely had potential. We shared the breakfast, feeding each other little mouthfuls until we were full, before he lay down, his hard body against mine._

_"I love you, Bella," he whispered softly._

_"I love you, too."_

_It was perfect, and I relaxed into his embrace, enjoying our little kisses until we ended up naked, loving each other until we were sated … for the time being._

It became a tradition; every year he made me breakfast in bed, and every year it got better. This year, I awoke alone, tears already coursing down my cheeks and soaking the pillow of my makeshift bed.

I could picture him standing in our kitchen, making his famous French toast, singing as he cooked up a storm. In my imagination, he hadn't died that day. We hadn't gone out that night but spent it in our hotel suite. We had gone to stay with my parents with Carlie in the summer, and we would both be taking her to pre-school the following Monday. He was in the kitchen right now, I was in our bed, and he would come upstairs with the tray. We would kiss until my belly grumbled, and I would eat the breakfast greedily. Carlie would join us and we would all snuggle.

It was real. It was _so _damnreal. I could reach out and touch him, feel his body heat, the rise and fall of his chest. I could hear him whisper in my ear, "Happy Birthday, love." I opened my eyes, expecting to see that grin, that tousled bed-head, those brilliant green eyes twinkling over the breakfast tray.

I found nothing but empty space.

* * *

My parents rang quite early of course, which was a blessing in one way because it filled in another half hour of a day I just wanted to be over and done with already. One thing I knew I couldn't handle was seeing everyone all at once. Sitting around a table pretending there wasn't something fundamentally wrong with the picture would have tipped me over the edge into insanity.

We saw Carlisle and Esme in the morning, met Emmett and Jasper for lunch on their break and then went to the park with Rose and Josh. By the time we left and went to Alice's, I really just wanted to go home already. I wanted to shut myself away and have my evening crying jag.

Esme and Carlisle soon came to collect their grandchildren for the evening. When I thanked them for having Carlie to stay, Esme pulled me into a hug, whispering, "Thank you."

Her words confused me; I didn't understand what she was thanking me for. I shook my head and turned when I felt a tugging on my jeans. Carlie looked up at me, raising her arms.

"Up you come then," I said, lifting her. "You okay, babygirl?"

She was biting her lip, and I knew she was going through the same separation anxiety as before.

"Remember what I told you, Bug?" I placed my hand over her heart, and she did the same over mine. "Whenever we're apart, I'm in here. Just like Daddy."

That nervous expression disappeared and she nodded. "I remember, Mommy."

"Good girl."

I gave her a kiss and a cuddle, and by the time she left with her grandparents, she was an excited chatterbox again, captivating them and bringing smiles to their faces. It was only then, as the three of us were walking back inside, that I understood Esme's words: they needed quality time with Carlie. They needed to see a living, breathing part of their son.

That was the first time I realised my family weren't just helping and hovering out of duty or worry; they needed us as much as we needed them.

"What was that about with the Little Miss?" Alice asked as Rose and I sat down around her kitchen table. "Is she okay?"

"When she went to PA with Esme for the first time since ... you know, it reminded her of …" I trailed off, needing a second. "She was worried that this time, I wouldn't come home."

Their faces were tortured by Carlie's fears.

"I wanted to promise her," I continued, "but I couldn't. What if something happens to me? I don't want to give her false assurances."

"So what did you tell her?" Rose asked, resting her hand over mine.

"I told her I would always do my best to come home to her and that I'm always in her heart, just like …"

Tears spilled down our cheeks, and Alice wrapped her arms around our shoulders as we wiped our faces.

"I bought extra tissues just in case," she told us. "I also have several types of chocolate, almost every flavour of Ben and Jerry's known to man, wine, and as many takeout menus as I could source from the Olympic Peninsula … well, the ones that will deliver here."

Rose gave a watery laugh. "The diner it is then."

My lips twitched, just a little. I felt awful; what right had I to even give a hint of a smile.

We ended up ordering some Chinese as Rose had a craving for egg fried rice, and I didn't care since food still had no flavour. I hadn't drunk any alcohol since the accident, and I knew it would just make me cry easier than usual, but when Alice offered me a glass, I took it. _What the hell_, I thought. _It will help me get through the evening._

"How's the shop doing, Alice?" I asked, gathering a few noodles in my chopsticks.

She smiled big and bright, probably because I was showing interest for once. "It's good—great, actually. I've decided to expand with a kid's section, so we're renting the place next door."

"Baby clothes, too?" Rose asked. "We really need to get a move on with planning and buying for the little one; we've only got ten weeks."

"Yeah, I'll let you have a look at the first stock. Have you decided on a nursery theme?"

Rose nodded, smiling serenely. "We're going with pink and mink with little bunny rabbits."

Alice's sigh was dreamy and wishful, full of an emotion I didn't recognise anymore: hope. She noticed the two of us looking at her and smiled shyly. "We're going to start trying; my shot is due in a month and I'm not going to get it."

Her words made my stomach clench, not because I didn't want her to be happy … it just reminded me of the news I was going to tell Edward the night of the accident. We had been ready, so ready to have another baby.

While Rose squealed, I forced a smile until the pricking at the back of my eyes got too much. I hated myself for taking away from Alice's happiness. What kind of friend was I? I got up and took my dish through to the kitchen, slipping out the back door to get some air. Rain was falling slowly, mixing in with my tears.

_Edward used to love the rain_.

I cried harder, louder, and the rain grew stronger. It almost felt like he was crying right along with me.

"Is this your way of telling me to get my ass back inside?" I asked aloud, half-sobbing, half-chuckling.

It was the first time I'd talked to him in weeks, and I vowed I wouldn't shut him out again. Maybe one day he'd give me a sign, maybe he'd come to me in a dream that wasn't a memory … maybe one day, somehow, he'd talk to me, too.

My clothes were almost stuck to my skin by that point, so when I felt my friends' hands on my shoulders, I let them guide me inside. They handed me a towel and my bag so I could go change, and I even managed a little smile when I saw the old UW hoodie.

"I'm sorry if we upset you," Alice said, stroking my hair off my face as I sat between them on the sofa.

I shook my head; she should never apologise for something like that. "It was just hard 'cause I was going to tell him that night … we were going to try again. I'm sorry for how I reacted."

"Oh, Bella," Rose sighed, wiping her eyes. "You seem to be so strong, handling things like you have been. I don't know how you do it; it's been hard enough … losing my brother … I don't know if I would survive if it were Emmett."

"I don't know how to go on without him," I cried.

"We know, honey," Alice soothed. "We're not going to say it'll be easy. But you will find a way, and we'll be right by your side. You're strong, Bella."

I shook my head. "I feel so weak inside. I don't want you thinking I need supervision again, I just need you to listen and be there for me and Carlie just like you have been. I don't want to be treated like a piece of glass ready to shatter completely."

"Like Alice said, we'll be there. You've just got to keep going."

"I don't know how much strength I have left," I told them. "I'm only holding it together right now for Carlie; she needs me. Where do I find strength from when all mine is gone?"

Rose's glistening green eyes, so like her brother's, met mine. "You find it in her, Bella. Because in her, you find him."


End file.
